Achilles

“Food and females, females and food.  Put the two together, and I’m in a good mood!”

Ha ha…I got skills…I’m a poet, and you doggone right I know it.  Actually I just enjoy the witty wordplay; consider it my cognitive challenge to intellectually stimulate my mind.  Why?  If you have to ask, that’s the first problem! What problem you say?  Not realizing intellect and intelligence require honing. 

All in all, my writing assists in maintaining my brilliance!

“No self-esteem issues here…”  That’s what she said…Ooooooh!  I slay me!

I kid you not, she really did say that.  My response: “No ma’am, not at all; it’s wasted energy.”  I mean what’s the use in doubting my attractiveness, charm, or intelligence?  That’s a pointless exercise as I’m clearly the sh*t in all three.  You don’t agree?  Then why are you thinking about me thinking I’m the sh*t right now?  That’s my telepath skill…X-Men: First Class baby!  Call me X, not Malcolm, Professor X!  So let me learn you right quick…

Dagnabit G, let me give your lethargy a moment to catch up with me…

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Time’s up!  Got it? Good!

In all seriousness, I consider myself a genius, in certain respects, except when it comes to food and females, females and food. 

Achilles had a heel and considering I have two left feet on the dance floor, I have at least two heels which means I’m twice the man he was.  Take THAT Achilles…Greek mythology? Ha!  He’s just a myth; I’m the man! 

Do you doubt me?  Fine…I concede so as to not impede…my point, take a deep breath and continue to read, I’m about to get to indeed, or should I say in depth?

Allons-y…

I have two heels, or rather weaknesses; females and food (yes, I already said that but repetition is good); my characteristic calamities…yes grevious indeed!

Let me focus for a moment on the former; females.  As “true focus lies somewhere between rage and serenity”^‡ (Didn’t I tell you Professor X was going to learn you right quick?!?), my discussion about damsels will be about both:

1.       Closure (rage)

2.       Conquest (serenity)

In both situations, I fail to exercise the best judgment, become an idiotic and ‘ignant’ individual, ack-a-damn-donkey, and turn into a plum fool!  I become less than the man I’m meant to be but can’t seem to help it; weak-spirited and weak-minded is what I is.  You feel me kid?

Closure

As inherent or inevitable as this is, if someone else was in a similar situation and asked my opinion, my advice as compared to my actions, are inconsistent.  Here’s the story:

I dated a young lady for approximately eight months until things ended nine months ago.  Since then, she has been on my mind affecting any attempted association with other females.  I swear she’ll be the death of me and has already been the death of a potential relationship or two because I’ll look into another female’s eyes, thinking about (let’s call her Kim) and say to myself (but really to the Kim in my mind), “She Ain’t You”. 

It lasted only eight months ending nine months ago so I should man the f--- up and keep it moving right?!?  Man, who are you telling?   

I didn’t realize exactly how involved we were; we did everything together:  We tried new restaurants, went and/or watched countless movies (‘Vicky, Christina, Barcelona’ was my favourite with her…yeah, yeah, yeah…judge away!), I introduced her to one of my closest friend’s (albeit he didn’t realize what I was doing), we talked about everything and nothing, laughed, joked around, “played” around, and I can type for hours but you still wouldn’t understand. 

Then we had our first major argument over something extremely insignificant, my anger got the best of me, and the same tongue that flattered her flattened her; I blazed babygirl! Things went downhill from there fairly fast.  Although I attempted to salvage the relationship (flowers, cards, calls, etc.), it was to no avail; no bueno! 

Everyone I’ve told the story speculated on there being another side to the story, her potential involvement with someone else, my words being so harsh it cut too deep, her finding out at some point I dated someone else simultaneously and it simmering until it finally boiled over…I have no idea.  All I got from Kim was “I don’t feel the same…I need space…you’re pressuring me when I told you I don’t feel the same…” and I was purged from her life. 

I’m confused because something just doesn’t make sense in my logical, or maybe merely emotional, mind.  The speculations churn and churn, the memories come back when I see a picture, see a movie, go out to eat, hear a song, watch a show, or hear a joke.  Just when I think they’ve subsided, something brings them full circle.

Kim has closed our chapter, and yet I don’t feel as though I’ve gotten closure.  I meet other females, enjoy their company, but am interrupted by my mental compare/contrast exercise; Kim v. ‘Another’.  Their attractive attributes are listed side-by-side; similar, yet emotionally Kim remains on that pedestal.

To further demonstrate how ridiculous this weakness is, I dated a young lady for two years 12 years ago with us losing touch for a decade after the break-up.  It was only after speaking to and seeing her last year I was able to finally walk emotionally away; closure acquired, chapter closed.

“Damn dude!”  I know, I know…dumb and deranged!  I’m emotionally enraged at how stupid that sounds but it’s obvious, even for me, emotion defies logic.

Moving on…

Conquest

My personal belief is a female should never throw herself at a male she’s interested in because every male enjoys the chase (women, I said a chase, NOT a marathon!)  I mean, who doesn’t enjoy a good challenge?  He’ll value the young lady that much more if he has to work to attain her attention and affection.  Once this is accomplished, he dreams of days in paradise with his pookie. 

Without the temerity or confidence in ability, he relinquishes his masculinity, and hasn’t truly earned the serenity.

That being said, regard every man a common day ‘Conan the Conqueror’; it’s all about the conquest!  Considering we’ve already established I’m twice the man Achilles was, understand that I take the conquest twice as serious. 

Two^¥ years ago I met a young lady at a professional event wearing a two-piece Hillary Clinton-esque business suit (let’s call her Nina).

** Sidebar: There are two types of women’s attire I think make a female look sexier than when she’s ‘au naturale’: 1) lingerie (obviously) and, 2) a business suit.  The former allows you to visually take in certain delicate features; the latter covers up those features, wraps them in a professional bow, and causes your imagination to run wild. **

Nina was an apparition I tell you; she looked angelic, as in perfect!  There was a ‘je ne sais quoi’ about her that was magnetic. I vowed she would be mine and put the wheels in motion in minutes.  It was about to be ON like Donkey Kong!  Then Nina stopped me dead in my tracks two days later when she revealed she was in a relationship. FML!  I hate beautiful women with that affliction! 

But like any hunter, we wait for our prey…or wait for and pray…for an opening.   Within two months that opening came.  My God is a GOOD God…yes He is! 

I started to step in, feel her out, get to ‘know’ her and the more I learned the more I realized Nina was dealing with closure issues and therefore pursuing something serious right away wasn’t necessarily the best idea.  So I made the disastrous decision men seeking to date women not immediately interested have done for eons; I allowed myself to become a “friend”.  SMH! 

We continued down this dysfunctional (and detrimental to coitus companionship) friendship and it reached a climactic point last year when we went out, laid all the cards on the table and put our feelings, or lack thereof, out there.  Nina did what all evil spawn of Satan Sistas do in that situation and said, “I briefly thought about us in a relationship but seeing as we’ve become good friends…”  FML!  I started tuning her out at that point because all I heard was, “You can’t have me…na na na na boo boo!” 

I thought: “I’m JE; I always get what I want…eventually!   I can’t have you?  Girl please!  Mama told me I couldn’t have a cookie and you know what I did?  Dipped my hand in the cookie jar, took the cookie, and left a trail of crumbs.   Why? Because I’m a G!  So babygirl, not only am I gonna get you, you’re gonna give up the cookie, Cookie…no Magic…just game!” 

Two years after meeting, I still ain’t got that cookie but she steadily calls to go see a movie!  And I go as her little groupie.  I tell you that fine and non-fornicating floozie has a spell on me…

She sends an IM one Friday asking what I’m doing later that night.  The bold and brash Brutha in me responds, “Hopefully sweating out your perm”.  She proceeds to disregard the advance and suggests sushi.  And what does my dumb a—do?  Go to dinner and order a maki! FML!

So we’re chit chatting at dinner about this and that and she tells a story about some guy trying to befriend her.  Because she’s not interested, she thinks (out loud with me), “Dude, I have friends I barely keep in touch with; I don’t need any new friends to not keep in touch with too…” 

Now that ladies and gentlemen is a gangsta; a true G!  I’m about to include that phrase in my arsenal and Nina’s threat level is now on some Osama Bin Laden; public enemy numero uno!  I need to stop f—ing with her terrorist behind and focus on some temptresses.  Nina ain’t talking ‘bout nuffin’!

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Women I tell you…they can lift you up, but wear you out.  I love them and yet I loathe them; a gift and a curse…and ultimately, my achilles heel, twice over. 

Damn! 

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‡ Charles Xavier (aka Professor X) in X-Men: First Class (Great movie by the way!)

¥ nine months + eight months = 17 months / two years × 12 months in a year = 24 months / 17 months < 24 months…yes folks, Kim came after, and was around during attempts to woo, Nina.  In actuality, I hesitated to talk to Kim because of Nina but since I wasn’t technically involved with Nina, I entertained Kim and now I neither have closure nor have I conquered. FML!

She Ain't You

“Back in my day, we used to walk to school six miles uphill both ways, rain, shine or even in snow…as a matter of fact even in blizzards because we didn’t have snow days… You kids these days have it so easy…”

Everyone reading this I’m certain can recall a time when their parent(s) made an equally ridiculous statement to emphasize how easy the younger generation currently has it.  As there’s usually no choice but to listen, you stand there, nod your head and think at least one, if not all, of the following:

1.       That made no sense whatsoever (i.e. how the hell can you walk uphill both ways?!?);

2.       Life really did suck back in the day;

3.       I refuse to make statements like these to my children when I get older.

I thought the latter countless times as I sat through endless speeches about not having computers back in the day, typing on typewriters that didn’t have spell check, and so on and so forth, and promised myself when I got older, I wouldn’t be so miserable and jealous of the advances the younger generation enjoys to the point I berate them with similar sentiments.

Yet as I embrace my age and reflect on days gone by, I can’t help but contrast what is seen/heard/done nowadays against my 'ideal' or historic experience as it's all I know and just the way things are supposed to be <done>.

I found myself, earlier today, repeating word for word an exact statement I heard in my youth: “They don’t make music like they used to…this foolishness on the radio nowadays…”

Well ain’t this about a June jocular?!?

I vowed I wouldn’t make any of these absurd and asinine assessments and yet as I sat in my car listening to the radio, I had the same response while the following song played:

Now don’t get me wrong, I think young breezy is artistically gifted and one of few younger artists that has actual raw talent (meaning he’s not a product of marketing a gimmick) but I couldn’t help but shake my head at this song.  Although the song clearly has the MJ ‘Human Nature’ groove (a CLASSIC!), the words have no real weight and I swear the chorus sounds like an old Sisters With Voices track and makes me want to say, “S double U V…S S double double U V…”

There’s just something missing in the music. 

The underlying theme is one that I can relate to and will be the first to admit is inherent or inevitable after any break-up; the comparing of the next to the ex.  Heck, I’ve sat in front of my computer masquerading some of these very blog entries as positive uplifting messages when they’ve actually started out as love letters never to be delivered (and likely never read) by a particular person from my very recent past, I now compare every female I date to, because as Chris Brown sings, “She ain’t you”…or better said to her (if she were listening), “you have my heart and no one else compares.”

**Sucks that “Sorry” sometimes doesn’t solve the stupid things said in a spat and you and that special someone still separate…**

As emotionally engaged as I should be with the song, there’s a disconnect as I’m unmoved by the words CB sings.  And it’s for this reason I, in my old(er) age argue “They don’t make music like they used to…”

What happened to the days when music wasn’t about sampling an ol’ school hit or the appeal of a song wasn’t its production but just the raw emotional outpouring of a singer you swore stole pages out of your life’s diary…when the rhythm and blues recorded represented your relationship with your baby or boo?

Then I find myself relistening to a song with a lovely lady which gives me hope that although of this generation, “cat daddy has an ol’ soul and is saaanging…”

They don’t <always> make music like they used to, but, it can still be music to my/your ears.

Merci!

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