Selfish

Like clockwork every 3-6 months, Shaniquashay¹ would call and we’d spend 30-60 minutes over the course of 3-6 days catching up, which usually meant Shaniquashay spending 26-58 of those minutes catching me up on the tales of her most recent internet beau.  I would listen to her situation, interject to offer my wise counsel, she would vehemently disagree with my assessment of what her particular flavour of the month/quarter meant by his actions and/or his words (although by the next conversation she would confirm I was right…SMH), and proceed to detail exactly why men were fools for acting they way they did with her. 

This continued for about two and a half years and initially the conversations were entertaining (as I enjoyed getting my Dr. Phil on and psychoanalyzing the situation) but eventually became emotionally draining.  This is someone who trusted me with her inner most thoughts and feelings, confided in me when something went wrong, was comfortable being completely vulnerable around me and shed her hard exterior to express how fragile she was, and on the rare occasion, she cried.  Not only did I sympathize but I empathized with her situation.  She wasn’t going through something, we were going through something and until she was able to smile or laugh over the phone, I didn’t allow the conversation to end. 

When the conversation did reach a conclusion, I made it a point to follow up the next couple of days just to check in to make sure Shaniquashay was still in good spirits.  She would then disappear for a few months and resurface with a new story for the cycle to start again.

Towards the tail end of the two and half years, there was a particular instance where I noticed she was calling and didn’t bother picking up the phone.  Shaniquashay left a voicemail first on my cell phone and then my home phone.  Two or three days had passed and I received another call, looked at the caller ID, realized I neglected to return Shaniquashay’s call (in part because I really wasn’t in an emotional space to deal with her romantic refuse — as in rubbish — and in part because it actually slipped my mind), and started thinking of an appropriate excuse.

And then I listened to the voicemail she left…

“I KNOW you saw that I called you a few days ago and don’t even tell me that sh*t that you didn’t see my call because I called you on both your home phone AND your cell phone AND I left you a message on each! It’s good to know that when I’m going through something I can depend on you.  Some ‘friend’ you are!”

In most circumstances where I realize I missed a call a few seconds prior, I typically call the person right back without bothering to listen to the message because if I get them…

<<push pause>> Have you ever missed someone’s call, called them right back and they don’t pick up the phone? I never understood that crap! I’m tempted to ask the person if after they called and didn’t get me, they threw the phone across their apartment/house in frustration which would be a viable explanation for why when I call seconds later they don’t pick up the phone…but I digress…<<push play>>

…then we can just have the conversation that was supposed to take place.  Once that conversation is over, I’ll access my voicemail and just delete the message without bothering to listen to it at all. What’s the point right?  Glad we’re on the same page.

Had I done that in Shaniquashay’s situation, things may not have escalated the way they did because after hearing her message, I did 35 push-ups, 17 jumping jacks, and shadow boxed for 8 seconds²; we were about to go to ‘blows’!

No this chick did not have the audacity and the testicular fortitude to suggest I wasn’t a dependable friend because I didn’t pick up the phone nor return her call right away.  Not to mention this Salem witch didn’t even give me the benefit of doubt and at least preface her disappointment with a statement asking if everything was okay, if I was okay, or something to remotely show some level of concern…nothing!  She shot first, asked questions later.

I started dialing her number HEATED but ready…IT. WAS. ABOUT. TO. GOOO. DOOOOWN!!!

But I stopped as a quotation I read earlier ran through my mind: “Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and beat you with experience.”

This was the same Shaniquashay that had a new boo thang every few months, argued and nagged them to death because of her hot-headedness, and refused to listen to any advice I provided although time and time again, with that wonderful thing called hindsight, I proved I was right.  Arguing with her would amount to nothing so I had to employ a craftier means of getting my point across.

I calmed down and put my plan in motion calling her a day later and it went a little something like this:

Jeremy (J) – Hey, sorry I missed your call. I was in the hospital and was just released today.

Shaniquashay (S) – OH MY GOD Jeremy, are you okay?!? I’m so sorry to hear that. What happened?

J – Nothing…I just wanted you to feel like an a-- for the messages you left.

S – Jeremy don’t do that sh*t man…I was seriously worried for a second.

J – As you should have been before you left those stupid messages.

S – Whatever!!! Why didn’t you call me back man? You saw that I called!

J – I was preoccupied and wasn’t really in the mood to talk.

S – That’s some selfish sh*t man…I was going through something and needed you and you weren’t there, all because you didn’t feel like talking? So what you’re telling me is I can’t depend on you as a friend whenever you’re in a ‘mood’?

J – Shaniquashay, what’s my favourite meat or dessert? Where was I born? Who was I raised by? What’s my major in school? What’s the name of the girl I’m dating right now?

S – Huh?!? What the hell does that have to do with anything? Ummm…I don’t know.

J – Exactly my f---ing point! You don’t even know some basic fundamental sh*t about me and you want to cuss me out and suggest I’m not being a dependable friend or call me selfish?!?

**crickets**

Poor girl was blindsided and had no chance! We argued for a few minutes, exchanged a couple of heated emails back and forth, and didn’t speak for almost 2 years after that conversation.

I had gone above and beyond for her and she wasn’t even my girlfriend or close companion.  It was clear she viewed me a close friend, but the friendship was very one-sided.  I noticed long before that conversation took place and ventured to balance it out by calling to engage about things going on in my life but to no avail.  But when Shaniquashay needed an empathetic ear, I dropped everything to be there for her and yet she had the audacity to suggest I was selfish?!?  This chick didn’t even know I loved lamb or enjoyed carrot cake (those were freebies for you so called ‘friends’…SMH), but I’m the selfish one?  She was too busy monopolizing our time on the phone with her issues to consider asking me something, anything, about the happenings in my life and the moment I take a breather she has the nerve to go off?!?

Fast forward to yesterday when I decided to let a particular frugal and fastidious filly know I wasn’t interested in attending her birthday festivities or maintaining any sort of interaction with her going forward out of a growing frustration that our interaction only ranked second to the most lopsided and one-sided friendship I’ve had with a female in years.  Do you know what this Salemite decided to say?  “Timing is f’ed up. Take care”

Yes, you read that right.  The Salemite sista has no qualms with us parting ways but takes issue with the fact I decided to ‘surprise’ (was she not so self absorbed, she would have realized I fell back weeks prior) her with this revelation the day before her birthday thereby disrupting her celebratory plans.  I almost got real Tyrone on her a-- and went off but stopped short asking two seemlingly irrelevant and unrelated questions. 

Similar to Shaniquashay (let’s call her Lakeshakay¹), Lakeshakay likely has no clue where the questions came from, how they’re related, and hasn’t responded.

In her defense, although I shouldn’t feel compelled to make this statement as an obvious benefit of a blog is to talk about trifling folks without them having the opportunity to defend themselves chronicle your emotions related to a situation from your vantage point (right or wrong it’s your personal perspective), a contributing factor to the demise of the interaction was she was a conquest unconquered.  Call me coo-coo for cocoa puffs for considering a non-coital companionship kosher, but I’d become cool with that given I slowly realized she was failing miserably as a friend so would more than likely fail in any future capactiy as a committed companion.

Low blow? I would say no.  Is that so? Indeed it is because there’s validity in that logic bro! Whoa…see what just happened there?

Wait for it…wait for it…

Bingo!

I’ve had the week off work and wasted most of it being unproductive (which I guess is fine since it was a vacation or at least that’s what I’m telling myself to feel better), but it got me to thinking of other areas of my life I needed to address, and refrain from, wasting my energy/efforts.  First thought?  Friends with no benefits.  No, not the four hundred or so Facebook friends of whom I rarely speak to, but those I spend time with who add no real value to my life.

I found myself feeling a friendship was fundamentally flawed; my solution?  C’est la vie!

Riddle me ridiculous Robin…but maybe it’s my turn to be selfish.

Cheers!

--

¹ In order to both preserve the privacy of the individual and to demonstrate (through use of a ridiculous name) how ‘ignant’ I find this person, this is how I will refer to said lady.

² Okay maybe I didn’t do all that but you get the point.