Once again, months having passed by, I let go, walked away, and moved on, yet find myself, even whilst trying to entertain another, unable to stop thinking about her…she…she…
She: jokes that I’m a trip; laughs at my silly stories; prefers I call rather than IM or text message; enjoys every new restaurant we try…but…
She: cooks/brings me dinner; enjoys a movie (or three) at my place; spends the night; nestles in my arms; responds to my touch; kisses me…but…
…she’s not you.
The difficulty in separating the feelings I had, or seemingly still have, for an ex from the next female I date is my habitual tendency to continually contemplate the obvious, “she’s not you”.
This realization leads to deeper reflection, and additional questions:
Are the effects of the bad break up catching up? Do I want her back? Am I reminded of her because of a particular restaurant, movie, comment, song? Do I just miss her? Do I…uh oh…love her? No, I don’t love her…I can’t love her…but then…if it isn’t love, why does she stay on my mind?
I wish I knew the answer to that question. Maybe then, thoughts of her wouldn’t haunt me this Hallmark holiday.
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‡ - originally written 2/14/11.
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